The Pain of Endometriosis~A Christian's perspective
Before & After...
Dear Friends and Family,
I have a disease that effects me emotionally, physically and spiritually. There have been times that I have hated this disease with a passion and have wondered why me? There have been times that I did not want to live anymore because of it. How I wanted this life to hurry up and be over with because I just could not take it anymore. I used to count how many years I had left to live in this world, because suicide was just not an option at this point. Please hurry this life up I would think, so I can escape!
There have been times that I wondered why you did not come over and take care of me and talk to me about it. Why did you not see that I was in extreme suffering? Why did you think that I was just depressed? Why did you not understand?!
Did you know how much it hurt me when you casually asked me how I was doing, and then you turned away when I started to tell you about it? Do you know how I remember that you never talked to me again after that day, perhaps you thought I was just too negative in my misery? Did you realize all those days and nights of my crying while I was in the bathtub? Thinking positive and saying positive words was just not going to cut it and it was not going to get me pregnant! Did you realize how many hours I had laid in bed with my Bible on my chest pleading when you said what you said to me?
Do you realize how I isolated myself for years because no one understood! Did you understand my pain and suffering when I wrote to you about it? I remember the day that I gave you that heartfelt letter containing my years of pain, weeping and suffering. It took me a long time to be able to reach out and you just casually put that letter in your briefcase to never be seen or spoke of again. Oh how that hurt and I decided that day to never tell another soul.
Yes I have suffered. I could write a book on the physical suffering. But what about the emotional suffering? I found it far worse than the physical. I found being lost and alone far worse than the physical. I found the lack of comfort from you and others far worse than any endo pain. I found the lack of understanding far worse than anything. Why didn't you just gather around a poor lost soul? Why I ask?
I remember your looks when I could not even finish a sentence. My mind was so plagued with fatigue that I could not even put my thoughts together. Why did you not ask me what was wrong and if you could help? Do you know how many hours I spent in my bed?
Infertility was another issue. I can write a book on all the pain. Oh how I hated baby showers as I was infertile. I hated celebrating your joy with you!!!! Why wasn't anyone thinking about me and my pain at those baby showers? I was so jealous of you.
How I hated you when you who were jealous of me for some reason in the workplace and how I hated you when you used my pain of infertility against me.
Why did you, my gynocologist laugh at me when I was in pain? I needed some medication and you thought it a joke! Why did I have to go to ER to ER and noone would take me seriously?
Oh how I can write a book...How about my money problems? $9,000 yes $9,000 I spent on herbal treatment in 6 months and you thought I was crazy to do it. I was crazy! I was desperate for relief and would have done anything! How many more 1000's of dollars did my insurance not cover. How about my income loss for 2 years of not being able to work. Oh the list goes on and on and on...
Oh how you have hurt me!!
But Oh how I forgive you all for it!! I forgive you because my father in heaven has forgiven me and how I needed forgiveness, just as everyone else in this world needs this same forgiveness. I am sorry for hating you!! I am sorry for being jealous of you and not be in communication with you and instead assuming the worst. I am sorry for gossiping about you and slandering you because of my own pain.
I feel that I have suffered more than the average person in this life, but now I see that each one of us in this world is suffering with some sort of heartache, some emotional problem, some a loss of a child, drug addiction, alcoholism, physical abuse. The list is endless. Many in this world do not have a roof over their heads. Some people are just plain empty and lonely. Some have no freedom! It is such a rough life of war and turmoil. He told us it would be this way! But he also told us that he has overcome the world.
Today, I see the big picture!
Oh how I am not bitter for all of the above that I write. Oh, of course I have my moments, but those moments are so very rare now. Thankfully one has called me to Him and showed me what this life is about. He showed me how much he loves me. He has loved me far too much to let me stay in my stubborn, isolated, self righteous and self preservation ways all those years. He called me to Him. Thankfully he caught my attention through the suffering. I listened and came to faith in Him. Thankfully I learned to read his words and reach out to him during the pain. Thankfully I chose to eventually learn from Him. He broke down those walls of steel that were surrounding me my entire life. He broke away all my past hurts of my childhood and more...
Thankfully my husband and my children have grown in this faith also and have come beside me to take care of me. Thankfully I have met some new friends who love the Lord and know the real way to comfort and that is by showing me the comfort of the Lord. Thankfully I have created a website of hope but do you realize that it was not me? Do you realize that he uses the weak? I only obeyed.
Thankfully I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Thankfully he has shown me the most important thing in this life and that that is Love. He loves me with a passion. He has shown me His salvation! I am in Him and He is in me. He has taught me everything through suffering. He has shown me how to love children with a passion. The infertility led me to that. Oh I am thankful now that I was infertile! Oh how our children whom we adopted are so precious and love the Lord.
Oh how I understand all that led me to Him. How I understand how much it was needed. I understand now how you could not possibly understand me all those years. Some of you have your own troubles, I understand and I pray for you and I forgive you. Please forgive me.
Oh Doctors! Oh How I pray that they one day you see what is happening. Oh how I pray that you come alongside naturopathic Drs. whom I believe really have this disease together. How I pray that MD's and naturopaths can work together side by side for all health problems. Now that to me is success in healthcare. But I know we live in a fallen world. I know that many are led by prestige and power.
The world is messed up and this is just one spec of the crazy world we live in. So many will continue to live with bad healthcare. But I pray it changes. I pray for awareness of this disease, but really I do not believe that it is the key to this disease. I think of this "Who is more powerful?" Man or God?
I pray for you who think that I am just a crazy religious fanatic. Yes I know you think that, but it is ok. I see it in your eyes and I read about it when you talk of me. I pray that you understand that it is not a religion, but instead that it is a relationship. I pray that one day you understand what I am talking about. You see I was once in your shoes and I did not understand. It is a choice and I pray one day you make the right choice and believe. It hurts me to read your stories, when I sense that you do not have faith in Him because as you can read above, I remember!
I believe he brought us all together to walk hand and hand with each other and show each other "the way". Life is short, too short now I think. He tells us in his word to Love each other. Some think love is tolerance-meaning love is not telling the other person that they are on the wrong path of life and some think that we should just accept and not correct each other. That is not love!! Love is caring for anothers soul, so much more than just a friendship. Love is praying for that person and crying for them. Love is caring enough to stand up and say:
"Please listen, the word of God says..."!
I pray that we all have the strength to do this in humbleness, gentleness, in prayer, with mercy and as an example in holiness. All of that is the biblical and non-condemning way.
I am thankful that he has brought us together.
I am thankful for the pain.
...Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:32 & 36.
Thank you Jesus!
Lori
Love in Christ, Lori
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